best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
