it wasn't lemon gatorade
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
