She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
