i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
