dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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