He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
