My Higher Power is John Stamos
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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