I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
