she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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