I should be sponsored by Trojan
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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