I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
