I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize