i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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