Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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