is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize