Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize