I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Im part way to drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
