I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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