ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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