I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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