At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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