my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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