Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
