oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
