Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
