But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
