I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
