im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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