I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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