the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
