Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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