Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
