Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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