he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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