I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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