my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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