Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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