It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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