I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
