I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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