officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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