Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I met the friendliest cop last night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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