Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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