After last night, I could never be a politician.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
