and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
