I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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