im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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