the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
