I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
