she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
