What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
