Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We left an ass print on the piano.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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