He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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