all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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