ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Your cock deserves a montage
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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