just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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