i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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