there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize